“I am running late.”  “Too many other things to do.”  “My laundry is piling to the ceiling.”    “I am just so tired.”  “I have no one to watch the little ones.”  “No one will even notice that I am not there.”  “I am not really missing much, am I?”  “I will never measure up.”  “I don’t have anyone to go with.”  “I will go in and sit alone like a loner.”  Excuses. All of them. These are the thoughts that have bombarded my mind many, many times. In theory, the event sounds great, and it sounds like a perfect opportunity for me to connect with God, to soak Him in, connect my heart with some old friends and maybe make a new one. It would be a chance to sharpen something in my dull heart, and maybe – just maybe, even help sharpen someone else (all things are possible for those who believe, right?).

But here’s the truth about my heart – the vulnerable, raw, transparent piece of my heart. The part that I like to pretend isn’t there.  This – going into a room that is full of women, at a church event, which should be a place to meet and love each other, can petrify me. I am deathly afraid of rejection. What if I go in and no one asks me to sit with them? I feel like a teenager (no offense to that truly wonderful group of ladies, really) on the first day of school. I feel like the outsider, even if I was seemingly on the “inside”. Why? What is it about this that makes it so hard? Why do we feel this way?  Why do I feel like I don’t belong?  Why do I feel that being just “me” isn’t enough…?  Why do the excuses seem SO real and important, like they actually carry weight? Like they can control us.   They press on us to make us feel paralyzed.  Paralyzed by fear, by busy-ness, by inadequacy, and by the spiritual heaviness that we feel we can’t get out from under. These “reasons” for not engaging in a life-giving opportunity come right from the “father of lies”. That’s what he is good at. He is fantastic at twisting lies to make them seem like reality. Yes, yes, I know that a huge laundry pile is an actual “thing”, but come on…it’s not like it is going to grow legs and walk away (well depends just how dirty it IS!).  He wants us paralyzed. He wants us isolated. He wants us to feel as if we are not needed, wanted or missed. He loves it when we are in our “own corner”, fighting our battles alone.  Know why?  Because then he wins. He wins a small victory over our hearts each and every time we decide we don’t need someone else. The more we back away, the more susceptible we are to his attacks.

Picture this, you are in a big city and you have to get back to your hotel, and you have two Google map options. The first option leads you to a dark alley that has strange sounds bellowing from it, and the other is a lively street, full of laugher and merriment. Huh, I think I will take the dark creepy one, then if I get into any type of trouble, I am sure to be saved by the…the…exactly. You would think I am nuts! The only “logical” way to your hotel room would be through the seemingly much safer option, with people. If you were to be harmed there would be others there to help. Others will be there to catch you if you fall. Others make things seem better, no? The same can be said in our spiritual walk. We can go at it alone. We can walk alone, but having others there to encourage, guide, love and laugh with you would be a much “safer” option. Satan doesn’t like togetherness. When you are alone, you are vulnerable.  You can become paralyzed by fear, jealousy, inadequacy, loneliness, and condemnation.   Those things will stunt who you are, who you are to become, and then in turn, they will stunt your spiritual growth. Your growth is what keeps you going.  When you become paralyzed, you are ineffective. Ineffective is what Satan wants. He wants you to believe the lies he has placed before you. But that’s what they are, lies. I am sure you are asking, how does this all tie together, where are you going with this, girl?!

Well, here’s my heart, Jesus loves you. He wants you to have the security of His love, and the confidence in who He created you to be.  He wants you to always have the assurance that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He wants you to be able to have a place that is home. He is home. His church is your home. His people are your home. Walking into a setting that seems scary should no longer haunt me. It should bring me life knowing that Jesus is there and that HE wants to speak to ME. HE wants MY heart. He wants to give me a true sense of belonging, no matter what I had to “fight through” to get there.  He is my champion. He is the one that counts.  So, as far as feeling like an insecure teenager upon arrival, will we ever grow out of that?  Well, I feel that no one ever grows out of it, we grow through it.  I will never grow out of wanting to feel that sense of “belonging.”  I will always want to feel that there is someone that wants me there and is excited to see me.  The best part is that Jesus always wants me around! He loves that I fought through it all to be there, to connect with Him and others.  He strongly feels that I am worth the effort.  He passionately feels that I am enough.  You are enough to fight for.  You are enough.  You are loved.